


Psyche

by Colamiilk



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Goretober 2019, Graphic Depictions of Illness, If you do though don't u dare be a pill about it, Madness, Trigger warnings are like?, everything, just don't read this, mangaverse, mostly hair falling out and losing too much weight, self discovery, solo fic, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-25 20:46:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20918357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colamiilk/pseuds/Colamiilk
Summary: He was sick. His hair was falling out, breaking and curling up in weird greasy waves, his eyes were caved in with weird smears of dark golds and bruised purples, he was pale enough that the blue of his veins was stark under translucent skin. He was sick, but not enough that anyone would really notice.---Goretober 2019! - Day 5: Fragile





	Psyche

**Author's Note:**

> If you know me as a person skip this, if you don't know me hey come join my mental breakdown maybe you'll relate maybe you won't, as long as you aren't a dick feel free to enjoy the ride i'm sure it's plenty entertaining in some kinda sick way

Justin’s eyes gleamed dangerously in the moonlight as he stared menacingly at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Time was moving far too slowly right now, everything was inching by in a horribly dull blur. At this point he was completely and entirely disengaged from reality, he knew he was. He wasn’t moving with the world anymore, he wasn’t on the same plane of existence as everyone else. 

Baring his teeth he watched with numb interest as they reflected with his shiny spit before he let his lips fall closed again. Things were different. His skin was cold, which was expected being naked in an empty tiled room like this, but for some reason that coldness wasn’t really processing in his mind. The goosebumps and staticky feeling under his scalp weren’t sparking any kind of concern or worry. His toes danced on the porcelain floors and he stretched to see his bones poke out even further, to see just how skeletal he had become. It didn’t feel like enough. He didn’t look nearly as sick as he actually was. 

He was sick. His hair was falling out, breaking and curling up in weird greasy waves, his eyes were caved in with weird smears of dark golds and bruised purples, he was pale enough that the blue of his veins was stark under translucent skin. He was sick, but not enough that anyone would really notice. He was passable. Passable as healthy, as normal, as human. That wasn’t as relieving as it should’ve been. It wasn’t relieving at all actually. He wanted to look sicker, he wanted his decline into madness to be painted in bright red so that everyone would witness what they had turned him into. 

They weren’t interested in giving him that though. He couldn’t even have that small mercy. He was going to be remembered as evil, as disgusting, as choosing this when he could’ve had every possibility to just be normal. He didn’t look insane, he didn’t look pitiful, so surely he was just malicious. He wondered if he was. Had he really become the bad guy at some point? Was this for survival and best interest at this point or was he enjoying this like everyone thought he was? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t really sure anymore and the scary part was that he had really stopped caring. 

All of this, all of this was just a burning dumpster fire. He didn’t even know how he got here. He couldn’t really remember what was the turning point, when the point of no return had really been hit. He knew he was there now though, he knew there was nowhere but forward. The part of him that loved to sit behind him with a cheshire like smile leaned over his shoulder, it's sparkling eyes reflecting bright white just like his own. It had no voice, but Justin could read it's lips.

_ ‘Do you regret it? Are you dying to go back? Can you ever forgive yourself for betraying them like that’ _ Closing his eyes he sighed out long and heavy, trying to bat it off his shoulder despite knowing there was nothing there. It of course didn’t move, it stayed there with it's horrid smile and waited for it's response. Justin had long ago given up the shame that came with talking out loud to no one and cracked open his dry lips.

“Why would I waste my time regretting? I can say without a doubt that they have no regrets letting me go.” It laughed, silent but it's shaking shoulders betraying the noises it would’ve made if it could. Justin could hear the echoes of the sound that didn’t exist dance through his mind, past all the music that had long become empty background noise. His hands had moved to hold himself up tiredly against the sink, but they surprisingly weren’t clutching the rim with white knuckled anger. He wasn’t angry at all talking about his abandonment. If anything he was just upset he hadn’t seen it coming sooner. 

_ ‘Perhaps they don’t, but what about your own values, your own morals? How would your past feel about what you’ve turned into?’ _ Justin’s jaw clenched painfully, he could feel his molars dig further into his jaw with how intensely he was biting down. It knew the answer to that question, it had asked it because it knew the answer and it knew how much it hurt to know that. Running his hand through his hair he grimaced at the oily feeling and made a noise of annoyance as he shook off all the hair that had fallen out. 

“He’d hate me, but enough people hate me as it is. What’s one more? What’s one more person who doesn’t understand what I'm going through!?” His chest ached with how loudly he said it, his lungs burned with the force of his words. He was shaking he was so mad, furious and unable to even breathe right. Even his own past was against him now, it was truly him against the entire fucking world. The pitch black madness pulsing out of his heart and wrapping around him in smoky tendrils was becoming suffocating. He was suffocating in a feeling that he wouldn’t quite call abnormal but from the way the people were reacting around him he knew was.

People. People were the problem here. There would be absolutely no problem at all if everyone just left him alone. If people stopped expecting things of him, demanding things from him, trying to control him, then none of this would've happened. All of this could stop if they realized that, if they realized they were the ones at fault pushing at him over and over and expecting him not to pop. If he was mad then they could rather humor it or fuck off. Demanding better of him when he had nothing better to give, when he was already giving his best was of course going to end badly. 

He just wanted to be left alone. To be left in his madness so he wouldn’t have to deal with everyone’s violent angry reactions to who he was as a person. He was sick of all of this, sick of having to deal with people’s unwarranted fear and self entitlement. He had been a servant long enough, he had been worrying about everyone else’s safety and well being over his own long enough. If he was sick in feeling that way, if he was deranged for separating himself from the people that demanded for him to keep acting inhuman and perfect, then fine. He was fine with that. 

He was human. This sickness showed just how human he was. Humans had feelings, humans were uncontrollable and erratic. He was human acting like this, feeling this way. He hadn’t gone insane, he had just realized that he was allowed to be human. That he didn’t need to fit into their mold and kill himself to be normal. He already was. He was normal like this. 

Tears dropped down hot and heavy onto his hands. He was normal. It was normal to get fed up, it was normal to break away. He wasn’t sick. He wasn’t sick but he certainly looked sick. There wasn’t anything wrong with him but there also clearly was. He wasn’t sure what the sick part was though. He couldn’t tell what was different about him now vs then. He wasn’t sure what was eating him alive. He wasn’t sure what was changing inside of him. 

He wasn’t thinking wrong he knew he wasn’t… but he was acting wrong. Or rather… he was… he wasn’t sure. There was something off. It was like the entire world had shifted 3 pegs over for him. He looked into the dark mirror and watched the day break reveal his dark shaded eyes begging him to sleep. The world was different now. Everything had changed for him but at the same time everything was the same. He wasn’t sure what had happened, what dial had turned and what was different, but he also couldn’t bring himself to care.

It wasn’t like there was anyone left to be annoyed by it.

**Author's Note:**

> Day 5 and I haven't really missed a day, that's kinda crazy... all of these have sort of been solo fics though which I know people don't really care about so... whoops. Good practice anyway and fun for me so :P


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